Hunting Dog Training Supplies - Innotek, TriTronics, Sportdog & Dogtra collars - Gun Dog Training Equipment

Best Singles ad Ever Written

This ad is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for daisy, I'll be waiting... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

Submitted by Anonymous

A First Sergeant retires from the military and decides to open a hunting preserve. One of his former Lieutenants was one of his first clients. The First Sergeant took the Lieutenant and his best English Springer Spaniel "Sarge" to the field. Sarge was steady to flush and shot, quick to retrieve, soft of mouth, and, most amazing of all, he would sort each bird by species and sex. Whether it was pheasant, chukar, quail, woodcock or dove they would each have a special position in the formation. The Lieutenant was amazed by the spectacle put forth by Sarge and at the end of the hunt said to the First Sergeant, "I think you need to promote this soldier to Staff Sergeant at least!" The First Sergeant said his name was fine and refused to promote the dog.

A year later, the Lieutenant decided to call up the First Sergeant to book another hunt while he was on leave. The First Sergeant said he was open to the hunt date but could not put him behind Sarge. The Lieutenant agreed to the hunt despite being disappointed about not being able to book Sarge. The dog he did draw performed reasonably but nothing compared to Sarge. The First Sergeant was very hesitant to talk about Sarge all day. Finally, the Lieutenant just came out and asked what wrong with Sarge.

The First Sergeant reluctantly replied, "After you hunted here last year, Sarge and I had to hunt with a two star General. Sarge preformed wonderful, the best he had ever! At the end of the hunt, the General ordered me to promote him. I felt obligated to, so I promoted him to Sergeant Major."

"Rightfully so, First Sergeant! He sure did deserve it!" the Lieutenant said.

The First Sergeant replied, "You are right; he did deserve it, but the day I started calling him Sergeant Major he wouldn't work for me at all! All he did was sit on his butt and bark all day long!!!"

Submitted by 1LT Andrew "AJAX" Arola, INFANTRY USA

Southern Obituary

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of the country goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says... "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - Bluetick Hound for sale.'"

Submitted by Randy Grossman

They call a couple birds in and the first hunter shoots them both, his dog sitting rock solid marking them. The first hunter sends his dog who proceeds to make two picture perfect retrieves from 100 yards plus with no handling instructions.

The second hunter after watching this performance doesn't look concerned at all. He starts calling and a couple of birds come into range which he knocks down clean. He looks at the first hunter and says, "Watch this." He sends his dog who steps out of the boat and walks across the water and brings both birds back.

The second hunter turns to the first hunter and says,"Give me my $50." The first hunter looks him in the eye and says, "Are you kidding me? That dog can't even swim!"

A man decides he wants a hunting dog, so he goes to a shop in town and says, "Give me the best hunting dog you've got."
The owner takes him into the back room. "This one here's the best one we've got."
"I want to see him in action," said the man.
The owner takes the man out in the field beside the shop. He let the dog loose into the field. "However many barks is how many rabbits is in that field."
The dog barked three times, and a few minutes later, brought back three rabbits. "I'll take it," said the man.

The next day, he went hunting with the dog. He let him loose in the field. The dog barked four times, and brought back four rabbits.
Two days later, they went hunting again, this time in the woods. The man let the dog loose and waited. The dog barked six times, and brought back six rabbits.
The next weekend, they again went hunting in the woods. The man let the dog loose. To his suprise, the dog came back with a stick. The man cursed him and threw the stick back in the woods. The dog went back in and came out with another stick.

The man was stumped, and went back to the shop where he bought the dog. He told the owner what happened.
"You idiot," said the owner, "He was trying to tell you that there was more rabbits in those woods than you can shake a stick at!!!"

Submitted by Geraldine Law

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Birdhunter down in Ga. gets a call from his cousin in the city, says he's been reading about quail hunting and would like come down and shoot a few. So the birdhunter, being a hospitable fellow, said O.K. and called the farmer where he hunts to see if it's alright to bring him. The farmer says, "Thats fine. I've got a favor to ask of you though. Bell my old milk cow is really poor and needs putting down, but i can't face her. If you will do it for me I'd appreciate it. Just leave her and I'll take care of the rest." Birdhunter says, "Sure, I'll do it." As he hangs up he gets a great idea. "I'll play a little joke on the cityboy."

The next day, he picks up his citified cousin at the airport. As they drive out to the farm Birdhunter tells him, "We're going to make a little stop down here. This old codger told me I couldn't hunt his place anymore, all I've done for him too, I'm gonna fix him though." With this he turns off the highway, roars up the driveway and skids to a stop. His citified cousin says, "What are you doing?!?" Birdhunter just jumps out, grabs his shotgun, goes over to the lot where old Bell is grazing and lets her have both barrels. Just then he hears three shots ring out behind him, spinning around he sees his cousin running for the truck yelling, "Come on I got his horse too!"

As remembered from Gray's Sporting Journal
Submitted by Buzz Faulconer

How to Photograph a New Puppy

Why Dogs are Easier to Live with than Women...

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?""The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar."

Submitted by Robert D. Hutchison

My neighbor found that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.He found the problem was hair in its ears and, after he cleaned both ears, the dog could hear fine. The vet told her if she wanted to keep this problem from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.She went to the drug store and picked up some "Nair." At the register the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."My friend replied, "I'm not using it under my arms."The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple days."She responded, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."The druggist told her to stay off her bicycle for a week.

Submitted by Robert D. Hutchison

If you can start every day without caffeine or pills.If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it.If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you enough time.If you can overlook it when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.If you can face the world without lies and deceit.If you can conquer stress and tension without medical help.If you can always relax without liquor and sleep without the aid of drugs,Then....You're probably a dog.

Submitted by Robert D. Hutchison

Joe dog trainer brought home a new lab and as soon as he put the dog down on the floor, the dog walked over to the couch, lifted one leg and peed on the couch. So, hoping the dog would catch on, he took him outside and as the dog watched he stood up to a tree and peed on it.Now this was a smart dog so the next time the dog had to go he walked over to the sofa, stood up on his two hind legs and peed all over the couch.

Submitted by Aaron Esh, Lancaster PA

Top 10 Reasons to Breed Dogs

I was constantly bragging about how good my bird dog was, now one thing that I never do is brag about a dog, but I had to, this one was special. I told all my friends about this dog and his pointing abilities and his great nose for quail, pheasant or whatever. So they all decided to go hunting with me to see just how "awesome" this dog was. We stopped at our local store to get some water and gatorade and on our way in a boy was walking out. Well wouldn't you know that my dog "Wishbone" sure enough dropped one of the finest points I have ever seen on that boy. My buddies were rolling with laughter. I took all kinds off hazing from them. I thought you had the best dog around and here he is pointing on that boy. So to save face I asked the boy if he helped his dad clean out the quail pen this morning. He said, "No sir". I said, " I know you had quail for supper last night didn't ya?" He said again, "No sir". By now I was getting more hazing from my so called buds and decided something was really wrong. So I asked the boy what his name was. And he said, "Well mister my name is BOB WHITE, why do you ask"?

I still have the best dog around.

Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?

A: You let the pit bull finish.

This was told to me as a true story. I can't remember the source.

Unfortunately there was no chance to show his retrieving skills as the gentleman missed.The dog again hunted well and found another good covey. Again, a perfect point and the dog held steady to wing and shot. Another miss.This sequence was repeated several times until dog and man were both tired and finally quit for the day.

Back at the truck, just before loading into his box, the setter calmly walked over to the man, lifted his leg, filled the gentleman's boot, then loaded into his box."

Suzie asked her mommy if she could take Lady, her dog, for a walk? "Not today sweetie. Lady is in heat!" Mommy said. "What do mean, Mommy?" asked Suzie. Not knowing how to explain this to Suzie. She suggested that Suzie should go to the garage and ask her Daddy. Suzie asked, "Daddy, I want to take Lady for a walk but Mommy said I can't because she is in heat?" "Well...", daddy pondered. "Bring Lady over here." With that he soaked a rag with gasoline and rubbed it on Lady's backside. "Now you can take Lady for a walk." Daddy said. (An Hour Later) Daddy saw Suzie walking up the driveway with no Lady in sight. Daddy asked, "Where's Lady?" Suzie said, " Lady ran out of gas halfway home." "But don't worry, Butch, the neighbor's dog is pushing her home.

Submitted by Onpoint Gun Dogs, Arizona

• NOTED JUDGE - He put my dog up.
• RESPECTED JUDGE - He put my dog up twice.
• SHOW PROSPECT - 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears and 1 tail.
• FINISHED IN FIVE SHOWS - and 89 others where he failed to place.
• POINTED - Head like a carrot.
• WON IN HEAVY COMPETITION -All were five pounds overweight.
• MULTIPLE GROUP WINNER - in two matches.
• LOTS OF PIZZAZ - whens he's had his uppers.
• TERRIFIC ANGULATION - Cow hocked, sickle hocked.
• SUPER SHOWMAN - Hysterical.
• EXCELS IN TYPE AND STYLE - Moves like a spider on speed.
• GOOD BITE - Missed the Judge but got the steward.
• EXCELS IN MOVEMENT - Can outrun anything this side of the Concorde.
• LOVELY HEAD - 2 eyes, 2 ears and one nose in front of them.
• HANDLED EXCLUSIVELY BY - Nobody else can get near this S.O.B.
• WON IN STERN COMPETITION - Beat 4 puppies and a nine year old novice.
• LOVES CHILDREN - for breakfast.
• REALLY BIRDY - Killed my parakeet.
• SPECIALTY - Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing the walls.
• BALANCE - Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.
• CRABBING - What you do when the judge doesn't like the way your dog moves.
• FORCE FETCH - Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet 'til you're forced to "fetch" it.
• BLIND RETRIEVE - When you can't see the toy under the furniture.
• DOUBLE BLIND - Finding two toys under the furniture.
• PEDIGREE - Dog food with lots of great coupons.
• MULTI-GENERATIONAL PEDIGREE - Something you should have read first.
• CGC - Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe (AKA gas)
• DISTEMPER - Shown by those hot headed competitors.
• TYPE - What your dog has...if you turn down the lights and squint a little.
• UTILITY - The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.
• FLY BALL - Neutering.
• QUALIFYING SCORE - Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.
• HEEL - What you feel like when your dog won't obey your commands during the exercise.
• RIBBONS - What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their "pet" wins.
• BITCH - To complain heartily.
• DOG - To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.
• GUARD HAIR - An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.
• OVERSHOT - Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

• Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
• Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
• Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
• Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
• Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
• Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
• Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
• Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
• Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
• Bull Terrier + Shitzu ... Oh, never mind....

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.The first was an engineer. He said, "My dog can do math calculations." His dog's name was T-Square and the engineer told his dog to get some paper and do calculations, which the dog did - no problem.The second man was an accountant. He said his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookes and divide them into three equal piles, which the dog did - no problem.The third man, a chemist, told his dog, Measure to get a quart of milk and pour 7ozs into a 10 oz glass. The dog did - no problem.All three agreed each dog was very smart. They turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?"The teamster's dog's name was Coffe-break. He said, "Show these boys what you can do." Coffee-break went over, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Submitted by Robert D. Hutchison

My dad had this hot field trialing lab "Buckshot Brandy" in Minnesota that would go into the cover and come out barking. One bark for each bird in the weeds. If there was two pheasants he would bark twice, three birds and he would bark three times, etc. etc.. My dad had many offers from some wealthy boys that just had to have Brandy. No offers were accepted until this crazy man from Iowa finally drove my dad nuts with calls to our house. He purchased the dog and returned to Iowa only to call out the news media for a press conference at a game farm. He wanted to show everyone in Iowa that he had the smartest bird dog in the whole US of A.So he proceded to send Brandy into the cover, which being at a game farm, he knew there was plenty of birds. Each time he sent Brandy in, Brandy would return with a stick and sit at heel. 3,4,5 more times until this man from Iowa soon became the laughing hoot of the town. The new owner proceeded to call my dad and call him names and tell him it was fraud. My dad then asked the man what Brandy did. After the man explained his embarrassing story, Dad told him: Why you old fool, all Brandy was trying to tell you was that there was more birds in there than you can shake a stick at!

Submitted by Ron Schuna

Old Dan took his new puppy duck hunting. When he shot his first duck it fell in the lake and the pup promptly walked across the top of the water and brought the duck back. Old Dan was amazed, but the dog did it again.The next day Dan took his buddy hunting and told him to wait and be amazed. Sure enough when the first duck hit the water the pup walked across the water to get it. Old Dan asked his buddy what he thought.

He said, "that's nothing, my dog can swim".

One morning Mr. Birdhunter found his prized bird dog lying still and almost lifeless in the kennel. In a panic, he rushed the dog to the Vet for examination.The Vet said;" I'm sorry, but your dog is dead and that will be Ten Dollars."In desperation, Mr. Birdhunter asked; " Isn't there anything else you can do?"The Vet thought for a moment, then left the room and returned with a live Cat.He held the live Cat above the dog and slowly moved it from side to side then said; "No ....He's dead and that will be TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.""Two Hundred Dollars!" Mr. Birdhunter cried. "For What?"

"A CATSCAN" the Vet replied.

Submitted by Howard Henning , State College, Pa.

This fellow was hunting out in the border area of Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas. He bagged a duck, and after his Lab brought it in, he was acosted by a game warden. The warden said to the hunter, "Lemme see that duck, son." The hunter handed it over.The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Arkansas duck, son... you got an Arkansas license?"The hunter dutifully produced the proper license, and the warden handed back the duck and replied, "OK, but you be careful out there."A while later the hunter bags another duck. After the dog brings it back, the hunter was approached by the same warden. The warden again said, "Lemme see that duck, son." The hunter handed it over. The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Texas duck, son... you got a Texas license?"The hunter again produced the proper license, and the warden handed back the duck and replied, "OK, but you be careful out there."A while later the hunter bags a third duck. After the dog brings it back, the hunter was approached again by the same warden. The warden again said, "Lemme see that duck, son."The hunter handed it over. The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Louisiana duck, son... you got a Louisiana license?" The hunter pulled out his Louisiana license. The warden handed back the duck and replied. "Dag nab it, son, you got about every license there is. Whereabouts are you from anyway?"

Whereupon the hunter dropped his pants, turned around, bent over, and said, "You're the expert, You tell me."